Why am i single…why…

Almost everyone could probably point out something in their childhood that made them the way they are.the trauma.my dad was abusive.typical indian man.raised to believe that one day he will get married and get a wife who will serve and obey him.he scolds and hits us for the most trivial things.he wasn’t really happy that he had two girls, i think he would have been happier if we were boys.he left us when i was four.he wanted freedom.i dont blame dad.he was abused himself.his dad was much worse.his dad pushed him and his heavily pregnant mum to the streets in rain.literally kicked them out.that kinda image never goes away i guess.he probably grew up thinking it is ok to abuse a woman.its like a man’s birth right.i never really understood why this is ok even to the society…i felt it is better to stay away from men because they can be so abusive…

I studied hard.all i did was study.to get scholarship.become a doctor.prove to my dad that girls are not losers.during college and uni i stayed away from love.i was afraid to receive love.i was afraid to love.it might mess up my studies.i chased away really good men.not all men are bad.something that i later realize and regret…

After studies,i met a guy.he was really nice.he makes me laugh.he listened to me.he seemed to understand…but he was a wolf in a sheep’s skin.a narcissist.compulsive liar.all he does is lie and cheat to borrow money.he tells everyone he is single and has a crazy ex…after sometime he went missing.the so called ex said they were infact in a 12years relationship that nobody knows bout.the shock when she told me they got married.such betrayal.once he was caught he spread nasty rumours bout me to save himself.he said i was ‘cheap and mentally unstable’.he even tried to convince me that i was hallucinating.the ‘ex’ knew his true color but still decided to take his side.the horror…how desperate a woman could be that she chose to stay with such a lowlife.is it better to be like her and be married to such a man than being single like me…i wonder

Then there is my bestfriend.the best person in the world.smart,funny,kind,beautiful…but she didn’t feel that way bout herself.she liked a guy in college.his friends use to make fun of her weight.how shallow.they even make fun of their own friend’s skin color.so i dont expect much from these ppl.and these are scholars who are suppose to be cream of the crop.such bullshit…after many years she finally met a guy and fell in love but he flipped and said its better to be friends.the rejection.his friends started bullying her too.words hurt.she ended her life…i never really understood why some ppl gave up their life for love.jumping off a cliff and such.but when it happened I felt crushed.shattered…

And after all these i am still expected to be married.i honestly dont know how ppl do it.its like ppl are programmed to do so.u get married because everyone else does so and u have kids…in reality most ppl feel stuck,they grow to hate their partner.they lie,cheat,abuse,get divorced or simply leave.some ppl ‘adjust’ for the sake of children.and those children grow up to have toxic relationships themselves

And again and again I think to myself why am i not married.am i afraid.or i just gave up…but i have been in love.and i know how wonderful it feels to feel loved…despite everything i dont think all men are bad.love does not hurt but the wrong ppl do…the next time love comes i hope it stays and i hope i will be brave

Dont ask us why…we have our reasons