When I was eight, my elder brother who was then 12, casually told me one day that I was adopted. He said it as if it didn’t matter at all! I was intrigued and asked him a few questions which he answered—and that was the end of the matter as far as he was concerned. But later I began to think about the matter. Oddly enough, the fact that I was adopted did not bother me at all. In fact, I had not even spoken to my parents about this at all, but now I began to wonder about my birth parents—about who they were, where they lived, if they had other children etc.
I wondered about them, but I did not ask my adopted parents or my adopted brother about them. The years passed and this continued. Every night, I would lie in bed and wonder about my birth parents. But this didn’t affect me in any negative way and I grew up, a happy person, close to my parents and brother. Now I am 27-year-old and in love with and soon to marry a wonderful woman who is my age. A few days ago, I casually told her about being adopted and my dreams about my birth parents. To my surprise, she got quite upset and told me that she needed some time alone to think things out.
Three days passed and then my girlfriend contacted me and said she had consulted someone who had told her that finding out that I was adopted must certainly have affected me. According to her, my constantly thinking about my adoption was proof of this and that I should definitely consult a psychiatrist or counsellor preferably in the company of my parents and brother.
I am totally confused. Need I do this?
While you do not seem scared in any way by your past, the fact that your parents never spoke to you about being adopted, the fact that you never asked your brother to tell you more and the fact that you thought about being adopted every night are very telling. You certainly seem to have been happy and even now are happy, but you need to talk to your parents and brother about your adoption and to get information about your birth parents about whom you are certainly interested.
Do not waste time in doing this.
Our extended family which consists of grandparents, parents, uncles, aunts, cousins etc, lives together very happily. I too am very happy in our joint family—for one thing, I have a dozen cousins! Of these cousins, there is one who is just a few weeks older than I am. From our childhood every one has treated us as if we were twins. We are in the same class and are different only in one way – she is beautiful and I am not.
This cousin and I are close. Now grooms have been found for both of us and though the man who is going to marry my cousin is more handsome than the man who is going to marry me, I am happy because this man is very intelligent and specifically wants to marry me. But I am firm on one point. I do not want to be overshadowed at my own wedding. The family is planning a joint wedding for us and everyone is talking about how cute that will be. But I do not want a joint wedding. I know that my family and especially my cousin will be upset but this is what I want.
Is there anything wrong in my insisting on this?
No, there is nothing wrong in telling your family that you do not want a joint wedding with your cousin but both your cousin and your family will be upset—and is it worth upsetting everyone when you and your cousin are getting married?
The man whom you are going to marry is not only intelligent, he is also capable of recognising the kind of woman who will me a good match for him. So, it appears that you are marrying the right man.
So do not upset your family. Have a joint wedding with your cousin and look forward to a good life. And do not worry. All women make beautiful brides.
I am a 35-year-old woman, living with my husband, two daughters and old mother. I have three brothers but none of them are ready to take care of my mother for some reason or the other. I have no problem in taking responsibility for my mother, but she considers it insulting that a son-in-law and daughter should take care of her and the embarrassment that she feels shows in her constantly complaining about things.
And now, after years of being patient with her, both my husband and I are losing our patience. Now I often blow my top and then settle down because she is, after all, my mother. But my husband keeps quiet and all his anger festers inside him. As a result he has begun to say that it is time that my brothers took my mother away. Though he does not say this in her hearing, his saying this at all is upsetting me. What will I do if he tells me that my mother has to leave?
You should talk firmly to your brothers and tell them that they have to share responsibility for your mother and that while you too will do that, you cannot undertake it in full as you have been doing now.
You should also tell your husband that you have responsibilities towards your mother and he must allow you to fulfil them. But also talk to your mother and tell her to behave politely to your husband as he is doing what her sons should be doing.