By Dr. RUMY AGARWAL
Okay, so your eight-year-old’s six-monthly class test results are due today and you are hopeful, yet anxious (though the little guy ISN’T !!) He is his usual cheerful self, running around the house pretending he is an airplane while you are the one facing the heebie-jeebies worrying about his marks and grades, etc., and whether he will fare better than your friend’s son. Does this sound familiar? Of course, it does, because you wouldn’t be a true-blue Mom if it didn’t !! Now whoever said that parenting is the world’s most satisfying job……the most joyous ever…….blah-blah-blah….. had actually lost it. Let’s talk reality—it is the scariest endeavour any woman can take on !! Tell me, which Mom hasn’t ever erupted like a volcano when the going has been really tough and compared her child to another who she thought was “so much better”? And then, a minute later, wished she could stuff the hot-lava words back into her mouth? It happens all the time, and any Mom who hasn’t done it is a saint or a martyr!
Well, to be fair to Moms, comparison is a common enough approach to ascertain the performance of your child. You compare your child’s grades with others (“Look, Komal Aunty’s son secured 98% in Maths” or “Your friend Vaibhav stood first in recitation competition”- these statements are not aimed to hurt your child but, unfortunately, they do) and then determine whether your kid’s academic achievements are “normal”, better or excellent. To tell the truth, comparing your child with other kids actually stresses out both mother and child, but even with that knowledge, the urge is hard to resist. This does NOT mean that we shouldn’t point out our child’s mistakes and help him improve, but anything beyond this is overkill.
It’s natural for parents to compare their kids, asking other Moms how old their kids are so that they can see how their child stacks up, to look for a frame of reference about their milestones and though it might seem appropriate to hold out a sibling or friend as a role model, comparisons almost always backfire, because to constantly harangue him about how much better others are will do nothing but give the child an inferiority complex.
This habit of comparing kids is fairly common and often begins with developmental milestones. As new parents especially, we’re concerned about our own baby hitting those established marks “on time.” The comparison game often continues once our children enter school. Instead of developmental milestones, we now have academic benchmarks by which to measure our children.
We somehow tend to forget that childhood is NOT a race to the top; children develop at their own pace. Yet parents often worry because their child isn’t walking at the same age that their friend’s child did, or has a much smaller vocabulary. There really isn’t a set timetable for a child’s development, kids do things in their own good time.
Most of the time we compare our child with others simply to motivate him to compete, so that he pushes his limits and fires on all cylinders to excel. But does this work for your child, is a question you need to ask yourself. Children have different talents, interests and strengths and develop at different rates. My elder son was excellent at studies and had a memory like an elephant, so that he could recite off lengthy poems and speeches without a flaw and I constantly had to put up with the complaints of jealous and unhappy mothers of other children in his class because my son was the teachers’ first choice for any debate or elocution competition. BUT as luck and genetics would have it, my younger son, who too excelled in academics, did not have this special ability for stage performances, and I regret to say that sometimes I did wish that he was more like his brother. But good sense prevailed over me at such times and I let him do what he was best at. I did not let my own self-worth hinge on his acccomplishments.
There is a whole body of research to prove why we shouldn’t compare:-
- ‘You’re so ……as compared to so-and-so’— Labels are shortcuts that shortchange kids who believe what they hear without question, even when it’s about themselves. So negative labels can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
- When we compare our children to others – we lower their self-esteem. We convey to them that they are not good enough.
- Being pressured to do something a child is not ready for (or doesn’t like to do) can be confusing to the kid and can undermine his self-confidence. So comparison causes insecurity.
- Kids develop at their own pace and have their own temperament and personality. Comparing your child to someone else implies that you wish yours were different. It makes the child feel that he is not worthy of your love unless he does what the child they are being compared to does.
- As soon as the comparisons start, our children just tune us out. They don’t hear that we want them to be better, they only hear that they’re not good enough. Always comparing your child to someone else is bound to stress him out. He may feel the need to overwork himself to gain your approval and this is highly damaging to his well-being.
- Comparison kills contentment – As a parent, if you constantly compare your own child to other children, you may start feeling your child isn’t good enough. You must, therefore, learn to appreciate your child and accept his capabilities. Parenting is already a tough job, and comparing your child to other children will just make it tougher.
- Comparison breeds resentment towards other children. Being compared to other children may cause your kid to develop feelings of hatred and jealousy towards other kids.
- It will damage the parent-child relationship. If you tell your child time and again that the neighbour’s kid is better than him, he will eventually start despising you. Children are emotionally vulnerable. They may not be able to see the bigger picture and that you are concerned for them. Instead, they will feel that you are not on their side.
- As it turns out, comparing your child to other children hurts parents just as much as it hurts children.
Here’s what you CAN do ;-
- If you feel that your child could perform better in school, try and sit him down and ask him what you can do to help him without having to bring up his friend who happens to get better grades.
- Tell him that you know that he can do better and find ways of making him work harder without making him feel like he isn’t as good as someone else. After all, every child has different capabilities and learns at different paces.
- Learn what works best to get your child to work harder without making him feel second rate. By doing so, your child will feel less stressed and he is bound to perform better .
Too often, parents see early development as a sign of intelligence or a reflection of good parenting, but it’s neither. Besides, how would you like it if your child said, “ Why can’t you be more like Rahul’s Mom ? She never compares him to anyone!” Stop comparing NOW and enjoy parenting your child—after all, he/she is God’s special gift to you !!