By: Rumi Agarwal

While it is true that parenting is one of the most rewarding jobs in the world, it can also be one of the toughest responsibilities ever! It requires you to bring all your skills to the table, and then some. Maybe that is why God, in His infinite wisdom, arranged for every child to have a set of TWO parents, a father and a mother, who could work in tandem to bring up a well-nurtured child in every which way. But unfortunately, life often scripts itself differently and circumstances force a child to end up with a single parent — father OR mother. It is not the happiest of scenarios–no, not even when a person is a single parent by choice–but it is a reality and must be dealt with in the best way possible.

However , it is now quite common for children to be in a single-parent family than a traditional two-parent family. Due to divorce rate, death of spouse, delays in marriage, and those shunning the institution of marriage altogether, single-parent families are no longer considered preposterous or inconceivable.

Well, first of all, remember that whether you have decided to become a single parent out of choice, or may have been forced to be one due to circumstances, do not blame yourself or feel guilty about it. Embrace the status knowing that it will be a hard road to cover initially, and at times the future may seem as thick and obfuscating as a winter fog,  but as time goes on, both you and your children will learn to cope better and also be happy with each other. But raising your child alone doesn’t mean you can’t be a good parent or that your child can’t grow up to be a wonderful human being. It does mean that you are the main part of the show, you have less back-up than you might with a two-parent household and you will probably have to work harder than parents who have a partner with whom to share.

There are some definite pros and cons to single parenting, so how about we check them out?

Advantages Of Single Parenting:

You may have mostly thought that being a single parent can be a hard job, with too much to do, less time for yourself, no time to be out with friends and hardly any time to meet new people and you could get the feeling of sitting on a porcupine bare-bottomed. But all said and done, as a single parent, you do get to experience a lot of advantages too. Here are just some benefits of being a single parent that could make the picture seem less dreary.

• You are the whole show and you make all the decisions

Your way or the highway, eh? As a single parent, the entire authority of making the decisions will rest on you. Breadwinner, housekeeper, caregiver and decision-maker; as a single parent, you do it all. You put in longer hours than two-parent family adults, simply because if you don’t, the things that need to happen for your survival won’t occur.

While this may seem a little intimidating in the beginning, you will soon realize what a boon private fiefdom  is when it comes to taking all the decisions that will affect your children. From the school your children will attend to the classes they will take, the type of food they eat, the friends they go out with, the places you visit, what you buy and where you buy, how you spend your weekends, what you do and do not do and other restrictions or freedom that your child will ever have will all come from you! (Take care not to become a potentate though). Of course that does mean that you also shoulder the responsibility of the consequences of your decisions, but then, that comes with the territory, don’t you think ?

· You manage the finances:

As a single parent, you will also have the choice to decide how you spend your money on your children and you. You will always be in a better position to plan your budget and understand when you can splurge just a bit more and when you are cash strapped.  You will also be able to help your children understand finances and teach them to manage money better.

When you start planning your finances yourself,  you will realize that most decisions that you take, such as what type of home you will live in and where, will all be yours to make, which is quite a big thing but can be immensely gratifying at the end of the day.  

· Children understand their responsibility

While being a single parent means that you will have to handle almost all the work by yourself, it also means that you will teach your children to learn to be responsible for their actions at a young age.  Since they are in for the long haul , single parents look up to their children for support and cooperation. And they get it too, in most cases. One of the best positives about single parenting is that the children know their responsibilities well, and they try their best to do them right. This makes them independent, significantly reducing the burden of single parenting.

Being a single parent will mean that you help your child be a team player and work together as a team, instead of making your child rely on you for every little thing. Your child will become mature and learn the importance of planning and handling his or her actions. Not only will it make your munchkin feel important, but it will also instill a sense of responsibility that will come from participating in team work and everyday decision-making process. Feeling part of a team helps children be considerate , establish a good work ethic, and improve self-esteem and self-worth.

• You are able to give undivided attention to your child

As the child of a single parent, your little one will get all your undivided attention. After all, you have to provide the love and attention of two parents ! You make time for important matters such as homework, sporting events, and fun activities that both of you can do together. If you are a divorcee then no matter how things stand between you and your ex, your child will always have the chance to experience all the love and care without any of the negativity that could otherwise seep in when you and your ex do not see eye to eye. As an unmarried single parent you will have a lot of affection to smother your child with but hey, don’t spoil the kiddo. And, in case you  decide to get into a serious romantic relationship, your future partner will already know about the time division that you have, and you will also be in a better position to understand whether or not a future relationship will work out or not.  It does seem possible that your child’s wonder years can be wonderful for both of you.

• Less stressful atmosphere at home if you are a divorcee

Parents often separate to save the children from the trauma of seeing their parents fight regularly. With one parent absent from the scene there will be  fewer arguments and the environment will be  less stressful and the children will feel more secure. Children whose parents were in an unhealthy relationship  may find it  easier to understand that life can be managed without a partner and there is no reason to be in a relationship simply for the fear of doing it alone. They may even learn to value the real strengths and fundamentals of relationships and not make the same mistakes that their parents did. As they have seen their parents struggle, they understand the importance of having compatibility with the partner at various levels. Not just that, once they are in a relationship, they value that bonding and give their best to it.

Disadvantages of Single Parenting

Being a single parent can be really tough and you may feel your cup of woes runneth over, with your schedule chock-a-block with stuff to do  and there are only so many pieces of you to go around.  But all said and done, it is the only way of life you have now, so why not try and understand the disadvantages better, so that you can deal with them in the best possible way? Here are some of the disadvantages of a single parent family that you should give a thought to and plan in advance to see how you can best work with them.

• Empirical Issues

The first set of problems that a single parent faces are very much practical and, as most single parents these days have to work, these involve such things as finding suitable day-care, making arrangements when having to work late or at weekends and fitting in everyday activities such as shopping. How you cope with these practical difficulties will depend very much on your personal circumstances and financial position, but many single parents are often able to rely on older children to care for younger ones and on help from family and friends. In most cases these problems are not too difficult to overcome and a reasonable solution can usually be found. It is often issues beyond the purely practical that present single parents with the greatest challenge.

• Money Matters

Perhaps the first disadvantage that comes to mind pertaining to single parent homes is economics. Money is often scarce for single parents and the kids may sometimes get the feeling that their parent simply can’t afford some of the extras that their friends, who live in conventional two-parent homes, might have. This can put a helluva lot of stress on your mind as well as your health. Spending all your time, attention and strength on focusing on the finances can take a toll on you, which can have a negative impact on the way you behave with your children. It is imperative to have a proper plan where you can balance the income and the expenditure, because if you don’t, you will suffer from guilt, which will affect your relation with your children.

• Work Overload

While being a single parent will give you all the run of the house and you will be the only one who takes all the decisions related to your home and your children, it is also true that you will have an overload of things to look after. You have to be the breadwinner, housekeeper, cook, babysitter, tutor AND then spend quality time with your children when they are bursting with vitamins and you are completely wiped out…….whew, and  this is only a day’s picking EVERY SINGLE DAY ! As you also have to take care of the finances, it means that you will spend a lot of time at work in your efforts to keep your children’s lifestyle same as earlier. Tough call, eh ?

• Loneliness

Yes, it does get lonely out there…….even if your single status is your choice. And you may not want to get into a relationship yet, but it does not mean that you will not get lonely. At the end of the day you may crave some adult company. Also, as you are the main and maybe only caregiver to your children, you will rarely have the time or the opportunity to go out and socialize ; so not meeting other people and not being able to spend time with friends can also make you feel extremely lonely.

• Children’s negativity

The children of single parent are bound to go through the emotional trauma of being separated from another parent, or not having another parent at all, and most children feel  upset about the situation and experience a sense of loss. This sense of loss could lead to high rates of anxiety and aggression. As they grow up they may even blame the parents for problems in their relationships. Children of single parents usually have unresolved feelings of anger. These are real problems which can make your single parenthood a sticky pitch.

Every child is different, and the way your child may react to your single parent status may not be what you had anticipated . Your child may find the situation very disturbing and confusing, and, in case of a divorce, may even  resent you for some time, blaming you for being selfish and for breaking up a relationship and a home that your child felt was perfect. Unfortunately, your child’s initial reaction can sometimes continue for a long period, and can also turn into a serious behavioral issue. The change in parenting status is a difficult change for your child to accept, and even your best attempts at trying to make your child understand can sometimes backfire.

• Disciplining your children can be difficult

Often, your child will be uncomfortable in adjusting to the new status of being the child of a single parent. While you may be bending over backwards in your efforts to make your child feel comfortable , secure and loved, there are moments that your child will feel abandoned or unloved, and may react in a rebellious or aggressive way or put up a show of unbecoming petulance.  Such a situation can make it especially difficult for you to set boundaries for your child and discipline him/her. You should also know that children can  be very smart at emotionally manipulating parents and that can make disciplining really, really difficult. Also, if your child frequently meets your ex and you and your ex do not have the same values of discipline,  it can make your child feel confused about what to follow and who to listen to. Get the picture ? Not very pretty, eh ?

Apart from these problems, there are some niggles such as, you don’t have a live-in support system or someone  to back up your decisions or ground rules, it can be difficult to travel with a child without support of another parent, or the child doesn’t see example of committed loving relationship in household and so on. But despair not, there ARE things you can do to make the circumstances more cheerful.

What You Can Do

• If you are busy through the week and are not able to give as much quality time to your child as you would otherwise want to, make sure you set up a dedicated number of hours for each weekend that you will spend exclusively with your child. Plan fun activities,  depending on your child’s age and interest , that both of you can take part in together. The activities do not have to involve spending money.
• Your presence matters to your child, so be there for him/her. Simply enjoy each other. Watch out for signs of anger, confusion, distress or difficulty in coping in your child. Be there for your child as a parent, as a confidante and as a friend.
• Don’t plough a lonely furrow. Build a support system around you, including family, friends, co-workers and other single parents who will understand what you are going through.
• Find ways to nurture yourself and give yourself some me-time–start a new hobby, read a good book or exercise. You need to care for yourself too. Be feisty and show some of that sassy sang-froid and if life comes up lemons, make lemonade !
• Do not give up hope about yourself or about your future in terms of companionship or relationship. You just never know…….

Parents and children undergo some difficult changes when they go from being a traditional family to a single-parent family. However, the disadvantages can be managed and countered with the advantages. Single-parent families can be just as successful as dual-parent families; it may just require a little more work. Yes, there will be times when you may feel like you are falling through a rabbit-hole but only this rabbit-hole does not open into wonderland, but hey, cut yourself some slack; miracles won’t happen overnight– after all, even God took six days to create the world!